Mergen Tactics

“How did such an ugly world become the most remarkable marketplace of the Milky Way?” Navigator Maynard wondered, establishing Unbreakable on the orbit of The Exchanges of Zach Zeel¹ and turning off propulsion engines.

“Oh, this is a long and fascinating story,” Captain Bostaph replied, smiling. “The planet was first colonized by the people of Yamaany Divaajin² 3-8 star system. Most of them, if I am not mistaken, were descendants of Earth’s Central Asia people. They named the planet Kholdson Chuluu³ 1-0. It is a very nasty, inhospitable, cold, barren place, as you shall see. The surface is covered with snow and ice all the time, with temperatures ranging between minus forty and minus seventy degrees C. Very bad conditions for people indeed. Yet this is the main, and the largest, marketplace in the Milky Way.”

“How is this possible? There are lots of other colonized planets available, I am sure one of them could’ve become a decent trade outpost?”

“It could, but it didn’t. This is how the events unfolded. The Exchanges of Zach Zeel are located in an extremely convenient spot, on the intersection of several navigation routes connecting rich, advanced, and densely populated clusters of the Milky Way. People arrive here to trade, and all local inhabitants are involved in running the Exchanges. Remarkably, the planet has no manufacturing, mining, tourism, entertainment, or any other important industry except trade. Quite astonishing, actually.”

“Captain, this transformation from the barren world to the largest marketplace in the Galaxy must have taken a lot of effort. How did that happen?”

“The birth of the Exchanges is surrounded by myth,” Bostaph looked somewhere far, squinting his eyes. “People say one of the early leaders of the Kholdson Chuluu 1-0 Colony had a grand vision. His name was Khogshin Mergen⁴. He realized the planet occupies a strategic spot and was able to attract a lot of intergalactic capital to start building a trade hub. Soon many modern Space Ports were built and the first Trading Dome was constructed. Colonists responded enthusiastically to the call, and this is how the Exchanges of Zach Zeel were born.”

“Fascinating! This leader must have been a very wise and persuasive individual.”

“Indeed, this is what the legends say. Although, there are also anecdotes about Khogshin Mergen eating raw meat and living outside in the cold. Apparently, this is how he trained his will and strength of character. Legends also say he liked to use rather…unconventional negotiation tactics. Such as punching his opponents in the guts and threatening to bite off their body parts. And it worked. But, as I said, it is difficult to distinguish myth from reality.”

“It makes sense!” First Mate Lukic exclaimed. “I will use this approach next time we talk about my salary! Mergen Tactics!”

“Captain, do you believe this is the best place to sell our precious cargo? Can we get a good deal here?” Senior Engineer Chen interrupted.

“Of course it is, you can buy or sell anything at the Exchanges,” Captain said. “I remember when I was a young Apprentice Engineer, our ship stopped here to trade healing dirt from the distant ocean world for new clothing. Our old uniforms dissolved when we got stuck in this healing dirt…a very amusing story in its own right…” Captain mumbled, scratching his head.

“Yes! Yes! I want to hear it! Can you tell us more?” Navigator Maynard jumped in excitement.

“Well, maybe sometime later…this story has…Uhm…some disturbing details,” Bostaph looked down. “We are going to land at the Space Port near the Tropical Dome!” Captain said, changing the topic.

“Tropical? I thought you said the planet is frozen and barren?” Chief Scientist Hernandez asked.

“Yes, the climate is rather cold, but people built these huge Trading Domes connected to Space Ports. Each Dome is a very large, densely populated city, controlled by Artificial Intelligence, with a regulated climate, completely isolated from the harsh planet environment. Every Dome specializes in a certain type of products and services and has its own Theme: Tropical, Desert, Jungle, Concrete and Steel, Stone Age, and so on.”

“Sounds exciting!” Maynard said. “Can we see all of them?”

“The well-developed interplanetary Maglev transportation system can take you anywhere in a matter of minutes. But we need to take care of our business first.”

“Aye, Captain!”   

***

“Alright, crew!” Captain addressed the team when they were ready to start exploring the Exchanges after landing their Planetary Skiff at a Space Port. “Time to have fun! Enjoy yourselves at the Tropical Dome, just don’t do anything crazy and don’t buy anything you cannot afford. Just think about what you need and note goods of value to us – we can decide later what to buy. Lukic and I will look for a merchant to sell our precious cargo to. I know a couple of places where we can get paid a fortune for our stuff – even raw and un-sieved as it is.”

“Sure, we will just go sightseeing.” Navigator Maynard said, grabbing Hernandez and Chen and walking out in the direction of the Dome.

A few hours later, the crew reported back to the Skiff.

“Good news, people!” Captain announced. “We’ve got a buyer. Lukic and I talked to a few merchants and finally secured a very good deal.”

“Yes, and I practiced Mergen negotiating tactics,” Lukic said, smiling. “With some…various success, I should say.”

“Lukic, you almost got us arrested by trying to punch and bite a merchant,” Bostaph said, frowning. “And then you threatened to burn the goods of the other one, so we had to leave.”

“Well, it is not my fault they did not want to cooperate and agree to our terms. What was I supposed to do?”

“Negotiate! Don’t do this crap ever again, Lukic,” Captain scowled at First Mate.

“Okay, okay. I Will practice Mergen tactics later, in different circumstances. There is definitely something in it, I am sure the method works, I just need to master subtle details.”

“Hernandez, did you find anything useful for your lab?” Bostaph asked Chief Scientist. 

“Indeed, Captain,” Hernandez answered. “A few pieces of equipment I need to replace, plus I found exciting advanced gravity sensors – if we had these at the time of our gravitational wave adventure, it would have been so much easier to figure out what was going on.”

“Excellent, I hope we can afford them. Despite First Mate’s behavior,” Captain looked at Lukic again, “I was able to negotiate a good price and even got advanced payment. I will distribute an equal share to each of you. Please spend the money wisely to get upgrades for the ship we truly need!”

***

The next morning, everyone was excited and ready to go shopping.

“Alright, guys, time to visit the Exchanges,” Captain said to the crew. “With one exception.”

“What exception?” Chen asked, recoiling.

“Well, someone needs to oversee the delivery of goods and receive the rest of the money. First Mate Lukic,” Bostaph looked at Rade, “will land Unbreakable at the Space Port’s Freight Zone, meet the buyer, and conclude the transaction. Any questions?”

“Won’t you stay here as well, Captain?” Maynard asked.

“No, I need to shop for an upgrade to ship’s AI. The current version is obsolete, it was not upgraded for probably a couple of decades, and is prone to malfunctioning, sudden freezes, and talking gibberish once in a while. We are in desperate need of a reliable AI.” Bostaph looked at the crew. “I completely trust First Mate Lukic to do what is required and complete the transaction. He is capable and qualified. This is a truly great day for Unbreakable!”

“Aye, Captain! Appreciate the trust, will not let you down,” Lukic said.

“What are you guys thinking about shopping for?” Captain asked. “I already know Maynard and Hernandez will replace some lab equipment and get new sensors. Anyone else?”

“I found a trader selling spare parts for our Space Compressor,” Senior Engineer Chen said. “It is an old model, very difficult to find spares. I already reverse engineered and replicated everything I could. The rest of the parts is not possible to replicate, unfortunately, and I need spares. This trader is a great find!”  

“And I know just where I will replenish all the medical supplies we need,” Doctor Kim said.

“Hey, the Exchanges are truly amazing,” Chef Stroganov added. “The selection of groceries from every corner of the Milky Way is astonishing! I found real beef, pork, and ostrich – a rare and unique godsend these days. Finally, I’ll be able to apply actual culinary skills and cook some delicious dishes rather than trying to make completely un-edible stuff digestible.”

“Lieutenant Zuma, any improvement to ship defenses?” Captain asked.

“Sure, I am getting a new active shield system and next generation of AI-guided missiles,” Zuma said. “There are lots of merchants dealing in space military technology here, a multitude of weapons to choose from.”

“Great, let’s return Unbreakable to her glory days!” Bostaph exclaimed. “And, Lukic – we are counting on you, just get the job done, no new negotiations necessary.”

“Understood, Captain. You can count on me.”

“Perfect. Let’s get to business. Upon everyone’s return, we’ll meet at the Freight Zone, in one of the Lounges, I will send out directions. We will load our purchases to the ship and celebrate the next chapter in the life of our Space Cruiser!”

“Well said, Captain!” 

***

In the evening of the same day, Captain Bostaph walked into the Freight Zone Lounge, happy and excited. He purchased the latest generation Artificial Intelligence upgrade for the ship and thought about what other improvements they could afford now. He saw the whole crew, except for Zuma, already there, sitting around a posh roundtable, drinking purple liquid from what looked like transparent spherical jars floating in the air in front of them.

“Here comes the Captain! How was your day?” Doctor Kim asked.

“Great, really productive. What is that?” He pointed at the floating spherical objects containing purple liquid.

“Oh, First Mate got drinks for us all.”

“This is an essence derived from lizards living in the swamps of Sorphaugur 4-7,” Lukic explained. “It relaxes the body, calms the mind, inflates the ego, and makes you see vivid, colorful images. Jets of hot air circulate from beneath the table upwards, this is why the jar appears to be floating. Do you want to give it a try, Captain?”

“No, thank you, I’ll pass. Don’t need my ego to be inflated. Neither do you, Lukic, by the way.”

“Ah, this is perfectly fine. After a day like this, a little indulgence is what the doctor ordered. Right, Doctor Kim?”

“I am still not sure about this, First Mate. We shall see.”

“So, did the transaction go as planned? Did you get the rest of the money?” Bostaph asked First Mate.

“Captain, don’t worry about this! I told you I will take care of it, and I did.”

“Great to hear! I am so relieved, I worried about the outcome, happy it all worked out! Have you counted all the money, Lukic? Did we get exactly what they had promised?”

“Actually, more than that, Captain!” Lukic smiled.

“More than that? What do you mean?”

“I negotiated a great deal and acquired something worth much more than promised by the original buyer.” Lukic sipped his drink, smiling from ear to ear. If he were a dog, he would’ve wagged his tail at this moment.

“Wait, what?” Captain frowned. “Original buyer? You made a deal? What are you talking about, Lukic? We already made a deal, you just needed to oversee the exchange. What exactly did you do?”

“No need to panic, Captain,” Lukic raised his finger. “Listen to what your First Mate accomplished while you were shopping.”

Suddenly, smiles disappeared from the faces of the people around the table. Senior Engineer Chen pushed his drink further away. Chief Scientist Hernandez got really interested in her hair. Chef Stroganov took out an electronic spork from one of the many pockets of his uniform and started studying its shape. Captain’s frown turned into a grotesque facial grimace.

“Imagine this: after I’d landed Unbreakable and was waiting for the buyer to show up, another ship – a Trader – docked right next to me. I went out to greet the newcomers, and we had a little chat. These were the merchants from the world – let me see my notes – Yemonyochi Hageri,” he read from his Console. “They brought a very expensive stuff to sell, but were very short in time and were ready to accept whatever decent payment they could get.”

“And what did you do, Lukic?” Captain’s face turned red, his grimace got even more bizarre. Bostaph clenched his fists and leaned toward First Mate.

“Now, listen to this,” Lukic continued. “The product they brought,” he looked at the Console again, “were the seeds of the magical plant Ye’awirarisi K’wanik’wa. Fruits of this plant, when dried and powdered, and mixed with rhino urine can cure most known diseases. It is worth more than its weight in geimium. It is very difficult to grow these seeds and get the fruits as the plant requires a very special climate. These guys did not know how to do it. But I thought – we have a fully equipped Hydroponic Unit, we will easily figure it out! So I exchanged the goods we had – raw and un-sieved minerals – for these magical seeds. Consider this a great investment that will pay out multiples!”

“You thought?! Investment?! I will show you investment!” Captain raised his fist and would’ve hit Lukic hard if it weren’t for Chen and Stroganov, who restrained him.

“Hey, easy!” Captain grumbled. “Don’t you see this moron screwed us up?”

“Let me check these incredible seeds Lukic has traded for,” Hernandez suggested. “Perhaps they are truly worth the fortune. Do you have some with you, First Mate?”

“Here you go, Maria,” Lukic extended his hand to Chief Scientist, opened up his palm, and showed her a few white seeds size of a fingernail.” Yes, they are indeed incredible,” he added. “I checked the Galactopedia, found a whole article on this topic. Look here,” First Mate showed everyone his Console. “See – magical plant Ye’awirarisi K’wanik’wa, one of the most expensive commodities in the known universe. Now, do you believe me?”

“Rade, the comments below the article say it was only published a week ago and the information is unverified. I think you got duped,” Maynard shrugged.

“No, no, no, this is not possible,” Lukic waved his finger. “You see, I used Mergen tactics. These guys did not want to trade first, they thought the seeds are worth much more. But after I punched one of them in the face and promised to smash his skull and eat his brains, they gave in. We’ve got ourselves a great deal, people!”

“We’ve got ourselves a great deal? Can I please have my share? I am a little low on money right now, but I know I can get it all back with some luck,” Lieutenant Zuma announced, entering the room.

“Wait, Zuma, you were supposed to shop for new weapons? What did you get?” Captain turned to Lieutenant.

“Well, this is what I was p-planning t-to do…” Zuma stuttered, “B-but I saw this beautiful casino, and they were doing roach fighting gig there…I could not resist…”

“They were doing what?” Captain asked again. “Explain what happened.”

“They have this little fighting ring in the casino where they let giant cockroaches loose, and these beasts fight to the death,” Zuma said. “Let me tell you, it is almost impossible to kill a giant cockroach, but they manage to do it to each other and devour the remains. Truly amazing sight!”

“Well, what did you do?”

“This is a casino, so you can bet on the roach of your choice. I’ve got a little carried away, that monster looked so ferocious! Basically, I’ve lost all of my money betting on fights, so I need more to start over and win it all back,” Zuma concluded.  

“Oh, the spirits of the universe, why am I surrounded by morons?” Captain moaned.

“Okay, I finished analyzing the DNA,” Hernandez announced.      

“Well, what is it?” Bostaph hissed.

“I am sorry to disappoint you, guys. The seeds First Mate traded for belong to the Cucurbita pepo species. Or, in more common language, pumpkin.”

“Pumpkin?! You traded our future for stupid pumpkin seeds?!” Bostaph’s face turned red again, he was about to hit Lukic, but Chen and Stroganov held him off again.

“Pumpkin? This cannot be true…” First Mate shook his head. “What about the Galactopedia article? Everything published there is true, isn’t it?”

“Not necessarily, Rade. For example, a quick check on the names you were given,” Hernandez said, “reveals the plant name means ‘Rhino Tongue’ in Amharic, while the planet Yemonyochi Hageri stands for the ‘Country of Idiots’.”

“Sounds like a proper home for our idiot, we will drop him off right there!” Captain spitted, pointing his finger at Lukic.

“What is Amharic? Never heard about this language before,” Chen said.

“This is a language spoken in the region of Ethiopia back on Earth,” Hernandez explained. “Not a lot of people are aware of it.” 

At this moment, a few armed guards entered the lounge. They escorted two civilians, who immediately pointed at Captain Bostaph and started talking to each other in a very fast and angry manner.

“Sir, you will have to come with us,” one of the guards said to Bostaph. “These merchants claim you robbed them, took their money, and disappeared.”

“Of course, pre-payment…” Captain grabbed his head. “What are we going to do? We could lose the ship if we don’t figure something out quickly…”

“We can use Mergen tactics!” Lukic announced, clenching his fists.

“Shut up, enough of your crap for today!” Bostaph brushed him off. “Wait here, let me try to work it out.” He stood up and started walking off with the guards and the merchants. “Please accept my sincere apologies for this terrible misunderstanding. Any chance you could take my First Mate in lieu of the payment? You should be able to make a few dollars selling his organs…”

The crew sat in silence for some time, then Chef Stroganov took out his Console and started studying something with a lot of interest.

“What are you doing, Chef?” Navigator Maynard asked, moving closer to Stroganov.

“I am searching for pumpkin recipes. Never had a chance to cook pumpkin before,” Chef explained.

“Oh…okay.”

After a few more minutes of silence Captain Bostaph walked back in. Alone.

“Finally a piece of good news, they did not put him in jail!” Doctor Kim gasped.

“Did they confiscate the Unbreakable?” Chen asked.

“No, I was lucky enough to get us a deal. A real good deal.” he clenched his teeth and looked at First Mate, frowning.

“Did you use Mergen tactics?” Lukic asked.

“No, you idiot! I used my charisma and persuasion. We will keep our ship and our freedom. Unfortunately, we have to give them all the purchases we made with pre-payment money. We also need to do a delivery job for them. For free.”

“Wait, how is that a good deal? They get the products worth all the money they’ve pre-paid to us and we will do free delivery? This is a robbery!” Lukic exclaimed.

“It beats getting the ship confiscated. And it definitely beats the deal of the century you negotiated. This is all on you, First Mate,” Captain pointed his trembling finger at Lukic. “From now on, I demote you from First Mate job. You will be responsible for cleaning the ship. I am creating a position of First Maid, just for you!”

“Aye, Captain! I accept the punishment, will do whatever is needed!”

“I bet you will!”

“People, I have an idea,” Doctor Kim interrupted the quarrel. “Since the Infirmary is currently empty, we can convert it into Pumpkin Greenhouse and grow some vegetables! At least we could get healthy food out of this mess.”

“Excellent idea, Doctor Kim!” Chef Stroganov looked up from his Console. “Actually, pumpkin is not a vegetable, but a fruit, a very versatile fruit. I found lots of intriguing recipes I want to try.”

“Hopefully, this will be better than usual crap you cook,” Captain grumbled.

“Hey, I don’t have any decent ingredients. I can’t convert the scraps you force me to use into good food,” Chef Stroganov protested.

“Okay, okay, you have a valid point, Chef. But your pumpkin recipes better be good, considering it will be the only food we could afford in the foreseeable future. Lukic, why are you still here?” he turned to the newly appointed First Maid. “Go clean the ship, build the Greenhouse, and start planting your magical seeds. Or else…” he curved his lips, banging his fist against the table, “Or else…I will turn your stupid head into a pumpkin!”

“Aye, Captain!” Lukic saluted and left the Lounge.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

¹ Зах Зеэл (Zach Zeel): Market (Mongolian) 

² Ямаани Диваажин (Yamaany Divaajin): Goat Paradise (Mongolian)

³ Хөлдсөн Чулуу (Khöldsön Chuluu): Frozen Rock (Mongolian)

⁴ (Khogshin Mergen): (Хөгшин Мэргэн): Old Sage (Mongolian)